Balls Out

If I’m honest, I’m actually quite unhappy.

On any given day I can sit around with my friends and have a laugh, sure, but when it comes to “the big picture” I really don’t like my life. My options are as follows:

1. End it. Admittedly, I’ve tried this before (the Universe offers few kicks to the box as severe as feeling like such an abject failure that you attempt suicide… and fail. Har har har, Universe, very cute). The problem with this option is manifold: I’m a Christian, suicide offers no chance of redemption amongst my peers, and part of me thinks I’ll still feel some sort of postmortem guilt over anyone who misses me (though my poor self-esteem likes to make me think the list would be short).

2. Accept it. This has been my method of choice for most of my life. I figure out what is in imminent need of doing, and I do that and only that. I do laundry when I’m out of underpants. I go to work so they won’t fire me. I reply to emails only when prompted, reminded, or the day before a deadline. The only reason my life looks in any way productive is because I’ve committed to enough projects that the bare minimum is still a great deal. Unfortunately, I never do anything to change my life, so each day’s To Do list is just as depressing as the last.

3. Change it. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always had. I tend to make bad (or at least easy) decisions because I have convinced myself that I am condemned to a life of mediocrity. But I’m always dealing with a mediocre life because I’m constantly wading through the consequences of previous easy decisions. I still have some wading to do, but maybe if I make good decisions while I wade, then one day soon I’ll be clear of the mire and will be enjoying the consequences of my recent good decisions.

If the colloquial definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then it’s time I got a little bit sane. I’m going to do new and different things. I’m going to step out of my comfort zone, make daring decisions, and take a proactive approach to my own life. Maybe I’ll still get what I’ve always had, but that isn’t the definition of insanity, it’s just one possible consequence of life. But it is equally — if not more — likely that my results will be different. Scary, uncomfortable, unfamiliar, but at least different.

And maybe better.

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